A HANDY FIELD GUIDE FOR THE COMMON TAPER

Today's humor, thanks to Dan G. in New York who sent me this:

A HANDY FIELD GUIDE FOR THE COMMON TAPER


Scientific Classification: Taperus Compulsorii
Genus: Magnetic and Oxidized Media Freaks


Description:
The Common Taper usually is somewhat scruffy looking and brightly
colored. The Common Taper generally stays well groomed, though there
are exceptions. Vision is keen, though sometimes tunnel, the result
of long hours in dark spaces. The Common Taper can easily spot its
main predator, the Common Wastoid, at a distance of 20 yards in near-
darkness. (The Common Wastoid, who is often found in the same habitat
as the Common Taper, is known for gorging on beige-colored liquids
and small squares of paper, then dancing erratically until they can
tackle the 25 people who were not smart enough to kick them to the
floor first). The Common Taper's hearing often is not as good,
especially among the elder members of the species, as its habitat can
have a very negative effect on the auditory system. The Common
Taper's gait is somewhat loping; it often appears stooped, due to the
large weight it wears on its hips and shoulders. This posture can
become permanent over time. Though the Common Taper often spends much
of its time in repose, it is capable of moving quickly when the
Common Wastoid threatens it.

Lifecycle: Year round

Habitat:
The Common Taper is usually observed in dark, noisy caves, though
some species have made the transition to a sunlit, open spaces that
are still rather noisy. This noisy habitat does make the Common Taper
unusually easy to study in its wild state, since they are not prone
to noticing researchers. Though the Common Taper was once primarily
nocturnal, the species has since evolved to a diurnal existence.

Range:
The Common Taper has, in recent years, undergone a significant
population boom, and can now be found in all parts of North America,
as well as some areas of Europe and Japan. Many Common Tapers are
migratory, traveling throughout the United States, sometimes into
Canada, Mexico and other countries, in search of the
perfect "record".

Comments:
The Common Taper, it is thought, evolved from the now near extinct
species, the Reelers. The Common Taper is characterized by its
fascination with small pieces of metal that emit an eerie glow, most
commonly blue or beige. These boxes are marked with a group of
symbols, almost always including a "D". There is a definite hierarchy
among Common Tapers that is related to the type of box they possess.
The Common Taper is often so entranced by this glowing metal object
that it seems it would be easy prey. However, its vision is strong in
both forward and sideways fields, and though the Common Taper might
appear to be at a state of rest, it is quick to rise when threatened.
The Common Taper usually congregates into one herd near a metal
forest. The herd is very resistant to predators, standing its ground
and snarling at the Common Wastoid. When truly threatened, the herd
has been known to close en masse on the predator, driving it far away
and wounding it in the process.

The Common Taper's recent population explosion has baffled most top
scientists, especially since the males of the species greatly
outnumber the females. Dr. D. A. Tapir, of the Audio Research Center,
recently claimed in the Journal of the Bizarre that she had
discovered the explanation behind the Common Taper's recent
boom. "The Common Taper is a highly social animal, and is closely
related to its more populous cousins, the Music Freak and the Concert
Goer. These three often interact in the Common Taper's habitat of
dark, noisy caves. It is thought that these metal boxes that the
Common Taper obsesses over have addictive properties, and these
addictions can cross species. Basically, the Common Taper infiltrates
other species and increases its numbers by a slow adoption."

Many scientists are worried that the Common Taper may have reached a
dangerous population high that could threaten its existence.
Infighting has been observed in some herds that have grown too large
for their confines. The Sound Technician, another species that
inhabits these dark noisy caves, is working on a solution to control
the overpopulation. The simplest solution found so far involves
specially colored pieces of paper that a limited number of Common
Tapers can possess at any time. Scientists have recently proven that
Common Tapers are basically suckers for anything that appears to be
brightly glowing, hence their coloration and their acceptance of the
pieces of paper from the Sound Technician.

How to Catch a Common Taper:
Though experts agree this can be dangerous to the catcher's finances
and sanity, Common Tapers are unable to resist the metal boxes with
the eerie glow, which they refer to in their rather odd lingo
as "DATs dude" or "CDRs". Using one of these as bait is a surefire
way to catch a Common Taper, whereupon you should lock them in the
basement so they never leave again and do not further damage society.


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There are three primary species of taper: recordist, 'patchy, and
trader.Each has it's unique characteristics and contributions that are
important to recognize and understand. I'll highlight their distinguishing
characteristics to aid in field identification:

Recordist
The Recordist aka "silverback" or "alpha taper" is easily identifiable by
the large quantity of expensive equipment that adorns his or her general
vicinity. The recordist owns a set of microphones and various other pieces
of equipment including tape decks and often a mic stand, though there is
also an elusive "stealth" subspecies that may occasionally be observed. Each
Recordist is a veteran individual that has developed and honed his or her
own technique over countless hours in the field. The recordist has
experimented with different combinations of placement and configuration and
knows what works best (according to his or her ears) with his or her
equipment. The recordist typically prefers his or her own recordings over
those of any other recordist, though competitive analysis is common. The
recordist is skilled in self reliance; he has learned that you cannot
depend on anyone but yourself to make your tape.

'Patchy
The 'Patchy taper differs from the recordist in that he or she does not
possess a set of microphones (or didn't bring them tonight), but merely has
a tape deck and requisite collection of connecting peripherals. When pared
with a recordist, the two share a symbiotic relationship. While needing
the source (or patch) provided by the recordist, the 'patchy contributes to
the relationship by providing redundancy, insurance, and assistance. The
'patchy typically helps defend space and equipment, shushes shouters, and
helps monitor proper functioning of the rig. The 'patchy also helps by
increasing the number of master tapes in existence from which future copies
might be made. The 'patchy species is the most abundant observed in the
field and actually comprise a wide spectrum ranging from the symbiotic to
the parasitic. The parasitic variety is less focused on recording and
contributes little to the endeavor in the field, often patching in to
another 'patchy and abandoning to frolic about the show, relying on others
to operate the gear. Even the parasite is a contributor to the community,
providing a source of music for friends and traders.

Trader
A trader is a member of the community that contributes by copying tapes
outside the context of shows. The trader does not bring recording
equipmentto shows, instead choosing to rely on others to bring the goods
home and then copy them tirelessly. The trader relies more on hindsight than
foresight to get the best tapes. A trader has the luxury of knowing how
good a show is and how good a recording is before he or she decides to tape
it and uses this knowledge to be selective.

The important thing to remember is that every taper is an individual and a
major contributor to our community. We all benefit the most when we treat
each other with kindness and respect.

Only 7 days till the X-mas jam!

Late,
Z-Man